For most people, a break up or divorce is the most excruciating experience they have had in their lives. It is like losing a part of yourself, a part which is vital for your very survival.
What if I tell you that your break up can actually be a good thing?
What if I tell you that it is an opportunity to find your real self and evaluate your position in life, the ultimate test for life’s upcoming challenges?
The only thing you have to do is to take the right fork in the road when standing at the crossroad.
Why do we suffer so much after a break up?
The usual break up or divorce starts in the same manner: the partner leaves, one way or the other.
How the one left behind copes with this experience is determined by 3 main factors:
1. The nature of the relationship to their partner
2. The expectation they had of the relationship
3. Their personality and personal experiences
A break up is a devastating experience for everyone. Whether or not the person left behind will suffer beyond the borders of normality depends on their expectations and experiences. The healing depends on their ability to face these factors. If they can “look into the core”, identify their behavior and fix their problems, then the healing will take place and there will be improvement in other areas of their life as well.
A break up discloses mercilessly all our weaknesses and hidden pain we have carried around since childhood. We must seize the chance to uncover and get rid of them once and for all.
A case study of two broken hearts
Case no. 1 – Kevin:
When his wife left him after 3 years of marriage, Kevin was devastated. He called in sick for work and didn’t leave the apartment where they used to live for about 6 weeks. He felt as if the very reason for his existence just vanished. He completely lost his center and will for life. All he could think of was the life he had. Although he knew that his marriage was definitely over, he could not stop wishing she would come back. This thought was the very spark of his life and his so called existence.
After 6 weeks, the initial shock was gone and he slowly started to ask himself where he was headed. He felt he was walking on a thin line towards a crossroad: to his left and right was a deep and dark abyss. He knew that he had to choose which road to follow, and this decision would determine his future life.
So he finally walked out of his apartment, met some friends, spoke with them about his fears and the way he felt. He did some research, and with the help of a friend, who is a psychotherapist, he discovered the main source of his problems: a strong lack of self-esteem and self-love.
His life had been happy because his beautiful wife gave meaning and value to his life. His happiness came from outside, rather than from the inside.
Through the coaching of his friend and a disciplined self-study, he not only overcame the divorce, but also remarkably improved his quality of life. Everything seemed to have changed: his relationships with others, his progress at work, his attitude towards women, his life goals.
He had become an entirely new person.
Case no. 2 – Julia:
Like Kevin, Julia was devastated. Her boyfriend left her in a very rude way: he sent her a text-message stating that it was over and that he had found somebody else. Needless to say, Julia suffered exceptionally. She had put all her hope into this relationship and planned on getting married. Her previous relationships had all been disastrous, from cheating to abusive boyfriends.
Unlike Kevin, she didn’t lock herself up in her flat. She partied for days, avoiding being alone. After one month of destructive behavior, she refused to talk to anyone about her experience, even not to her best friend she had known since high school.
Unable to be alone, she took drugs and alcohol to bridge over the times when nobody could go out with her.
After 4 months in agony, she met this interesting man who made her feel good. Suddenly her life was back on track again. She fell in love, and they quickly moved in together and lived comparably happy.
Julia was pleased… until the next break up hit her without mercy.
What is the difference between Kevin and Julia?
Was Kevin smarter than Julia? Of course not. Did Julia suffer more than Kevin? No, their pain was comparable.
The difference between them was the ability to identify their weak points and the willingness to make the necessary changes.
Kevin realized the inescapable necessity of taking the right path at the right moment. He was prepared to face the pain and invested time for his healing as opposed to letting himself go and avoid the pain.
Julia chose to jump into a new relationship right away rather than face her problems. She was caught in a vicious cycle.
Of course, Kevin had the luck to find the competent help and certainly, Julia had a bad childhood, but both had a choice.
There are many Julias out there right now with similar cases. I hope they all will realize eventually that in order to change their lives, they have to take their break ups or divorces as opportunities and not as a burden.
Use your break up to look deep into your own abyss and face the monster inside.
If you can’t do it alone, get the help you need.