It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each... continue reading
It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.
What are the reasons?
Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.
This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.
Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?
Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.
A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
A realistic view is vital.
What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?
Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.
The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.
This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.
In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.
1. Their expectations weren’t met
If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.
The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.
We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.
The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.
Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.
And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.
This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.
2. Was it really Love?
Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.
This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.
Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love“.
Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.
Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.
Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.
The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.
Knowing Why is Helpful
The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.
We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.
Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.
Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.
Would you take that risk? I won’t.