Something like 40% off all marriages are, self reported as “sexless“. I read today about a book, Bettina Arndt’s The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. This book has really gotten people up in arms. Men are thinking their wives should just do it because its good for the marriage, and women are thinking Arndt is a throwback to the 50′s. But of course, none of them have read her book!
Now, mind you, I have not read the book either. BUT I agree with what I’ve seen so far. of her book. Her book is a compilation of “diaries” she collected from 98 men and women talking about their sex lives. In the excerpt I read, she concludes with a lot of empathy toward the men who poured their hearts out to her.
Sexless Marriages – Are They Inevitable?
The reality is that most men do have a biologically higher sex drive than most women. This leads to a lot of dissatisfaction on the men’s part. Women yell and scream that sex is a “want” and not a “need” and why should they “give in”? Obviously some things are amiss here!
Women, too, want sex more and more than in the past. It was only a few months ago when I was at a party where five women out of the five couples in attendance were unhappy with the amount of sex they are getting. These are cute, smart, personable women whose husband’s would rather be on the internet or watch TV than have sex with them.
Staying Connected Is The Key
Clearly there are some serious problems with couples knowing how to stay connected emotionally and sexually. Women tend to be more aware of their emotional needs and men tend to be more aware of their sexual needs. This does not mean, I don’t believe, that men and women are set up for failure. But both parties have to be willing to respect and have empathy for each other’s needs. To do this, it requires getting out of the blame game and seeing the other as the bad guy.
Men, you really do have to learn how to be emotionally and affectionately attentive to your wife if you expect to get laid. Women, you really do have to be willing to stretch out of your comfort zone sexually in order to have the kind of connection you want with your partner. And, if either one finds sex is not fun, then they MUST take responsibility for making sure that changes.
You do that by respecting each other enough to speak your truths and not faking orgasms. The biggest drain on sexual communication and satisfaction is faking it. How in the world is your lover ever going to know what you want if you pretend you like something you don’t?
Learn to get great sex by being open with your truths. You want your man to share with you emotionally???? Then don’t be a coward about being open sexually about what pleases you and what doesn’t. We have this double standard where we expect men to be open with us emotionally, yet we will lie to them about our sexual satisfaction. That is a sure fire way to kill a sex life.