This blog is an open letter to all of you space invaders out there.
You know who you are … or do you?
No, I’m not talking to those of you with an affinity for handling joysticks and playing early 80′s video games with poor graphics and creatures making funny “gobbling” noises as they ate things. This open letter has nothing to do with video games.
I’m also not talking rodents or anything else that invades your living space. Hell, I’m not even talking about clutter on your desk.
The space invaders I’m talking about here are ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends (we’ll just collectively call them “ex’s” here). This open letter is directed to all of you ex’s out there who are space invaders out there torturing your ex’s.
Now I know all you space invading ex’s know who you are, and this open letter is directed to you. So listen up and pay attention!
Weaseling Their Way In
It’s amazing. Ex’s always seem to find their way back into your life to drop their shit all over you at the very moment when you’re most happy with someone else. It’s like they have this beacon or special radar which alerts them that it is the perfect time to try to get you back at the very moment you are in this most happy place.
They will have an epiphany wherein they decide they are a new person and that they need to convince you to give your relationship with the “new them” a second chance. In their mind they will think “Wait! My ex is with someone else. How could they possibly be with someone else? I realize now that if we get back together, everything will be different because I’ve changed. They need to give our relationship another try with the new me!”
Here’s the thing that is really so crazy about these thoughts. Your ex is your ex for a reason.
They’re an ex because you already learned the lesson that they did not satisfy you in ways you needed to be satisfied. They are an ex because your heart was not touched by them in ways your heart needed to be touched. Your ex is an ex because they weren’t able to get into your soul and get deep into your core like you needed.
These are the reasons your ex is an ex. The same issues are still there. People don’t change, at least not in these ways. They really don’t.
Ex’s don’t go on some miracle trip or special retreat where the light bulb suddenly lights up over their head and they realize all of a sudden everything in the relationship will be different. The core of each person is still the same.
When an ex all of a sudden decides things will be different and invades your space when you are at your most happy place with someone else, the ex is doing it because in reality they are not happy. Deep down they still have feelings for you, but those feelings are all about their own issues and not about yours.
What To Do About A Space Invading Ex
An ex’s space invading is all about their issues. The only result for you when an ex invades the sacred space you’ve set up with a new person, is that stress will be brought into your life and your current relationship for no reason at all.
So at the first sign of an ex invading your space you need to be totally upfront and honest with your ex about everything. You are doing no one any favors when you “protect an ex’s feelings” by not being totally upfront with them.
By you not being totally honest with an ex, you are actually not protecting them from hurt. In fact, you are really causing them more hurt because you are not making it clear to your ex that there will be no second chance together.
It is also important for you to completely let your past with your ex go in order for you to move forward and have the love that you really deserve. You need to also remember that each time an ex invades your space, it hurts the sacred space you are forming with the person with whom you are currently in a relationship.
You need to be as open and honest with your ex about your feelings about them and about your current relationship as you are with the person you’re currently seeing. The reason you with the person you’re currently seeing is because you feel free to be yourself in the purest form.
Now back to all of you ex’s though, because there seem to be no shortage of ex’s who are space invaders no matter what the situation or what you are told. So I implore you to consider all the following things before you engage in any more space invading activities.
Are You A Space Invader?
It is no coincidence that so many ex’s experience the sudden revelation that they need to get their ex to give their relationship another try ONLY after that ex has found someone else with whom they are genuinely happy. You need to see this “epiphany-come-lately” for what it really is: your knee-jerk reaction to the fact that your ex is with someone else.
It is an only slightly more complicated version of the “you want them only now that you can’t have them” syndrome. While you may believe that you all of a sudden see things differently, it is really a function of feeling like you are about to lose your ex unless you say something right now.
Here’s another thing all you space invading ex’s need to remember. You are not an NFL coach gifted with a red flag that you are entitled to throw a certain number of times during a game demanding the refs review a play. You don’t get to just “decide” that your ex needs to give you and your relationship another chance and invade their space to do it.
Your ex’s touchdown (i.e., the new relationship they’ve found that is making them completely happy) stands. You don’t get to review the play. You don’t get to replay the down. Your ex’s new relationship takes place entirely in the last two minutes of the game and only they get to decide if any plays get reviewed.
Further, just because you believe you are a different person or that “things” are different than when you and your ex were together does not mean that the two of you are more compatible now than you were at the time your relationship ended. It is really irrelevant that you have made some miraculous change or turn-around in your own mind, because what ultimate made your relationship not work out with your ex was about something much deeper than that.
What made your relationship not work out the first time was that the two of you at your cores were different people, people whose hearts and souls did not have an ultimate connection. So while you very truly may have made some changes, deep down you are the same person (and so is your ex). You were two people with whom you did not share that ultimate peaceful feeling you have with someone with whom you share a true soul connection.
Ex’s also seem to inevitably show up at absolutely the most inopportune times. So many space invading ex’s seem to operate under the delusion that they are starring in their own romantic comedy movie.
You know the basic plot line: Boy had girl. Boy loses girl (becoming the “Ex”). Ex doesn’t think twice about girl he lost until girl finds someone else. Ex has “the epiphany” moment that he loves girl and needs to get her back (thus becoming a space invading ex). Space Invading Ex discovers that girl’s new boy is not the good guy that girl believes him to be and that HE is the right man for her. Space Invading Ex sets up large scheme to crash girl’s wedding/relationship and declare his true love to girl. Space Invading Ex gets girl back in entertaining romantic wedding-crashing scene.
Ahh – the tears fly, women frantically search for tissues in their purse. It all seems so romantic! This is great entertainment and is very fun to watch in your local movie theater … but is not a good model to follow in real life.
Life Is Not Always Like It Is In The Movies
Think about what this typical movie plot line involves, and what you have to assume to make it the great romantic story that is shown. First, notice that each and every one of these films rests on the major premise that the Space Invading Ex IS the right man for the girl and that the girl’s current guy is in reality NOT such a great guy.
As we’ve discussed, and as all you space invading ex’s know is true, that is not what is going on in your situation. Your ex is in a relationship with someone who is making them truly happy. You are not Patrick Demsey or Hugh Grant, so you need to stop trying to play the lead in this kind of movie plot with your ex!
Another flaw in these movie plots is that they paint the Space Invading Ex as the “hero” doing his ex a favor by exposing the rotten current boyfriend and having the Ex declare his undying love to her. Think about what you are really doing by being the space invading ex.
When you are a space invading ex into a relationship where your ex is genuinely happy, your invasion into that space is not romantic – it is selfish. Really, that’s what it is in its true sense.
Think about it. When you invade your ex’s space, you are bringing stress not only to your ex but to their relationship. Stated simply, you are bringing unhappiness into your ex’s happy space. The only person who is served by this space invasion is YOU.
Also, consider how you would feel if you were in a relationship with someone and that person’s ex continued to invade your relationship space. How do you think it feels to know that your significant other has been on the phone throughout the day with their ex. Let me tell you how it feels. It makes you feel disconnected with your significant other when someone is invading your relationship space. You can feel it happening. Then when you get emails from your significant other telling you how emotionally drained they feel because their ex keeps calling, it causes you to feel emotionally drained yourself. You become emotionally drained because you start wondering what your significant other’s ex said, and what your significant other thinks and feels about what the ex said.
After connecting with your significant other at an emotional and spiritual level deeper than than you have with anyone in your life, to be in the dark about what was said by an ex is a terrible feeling. You want to be there for them and to help them through this, but you also don’t want to be in the dark yourself. Also, this space invasion causes your ex’s energy to be directed totally away from their currently happy relationship, and into a place where they shouldn’t have to explain themselves.
What If You Want To Be “Just Friends?”
Many space invading ex’s will invade an ex’s happy relationship space under the guise of “wanting to become friends.” This is another very selfish act dressed up as an altruistic one. You can’t be friends with all of your ex’s. It all comes down to whether you and your ex were friends in the first place. If you were, then you would not be invading their relationship space in this way. You would already be a part of their life.
You trying to create this sudden friendship with your ex when it wasn’t there before is again nothing more than a selfish act, because a true friend would not want to cause their friend all this stress and pain. A true friend would see that their ex had moved on and has given their heart to someone else, and would not want to do something to directly disrupt that.
Finally, a bit of advice to all you space invading ex’s. Did it ever occur to you that the reason why you all of a sudden feel the urgent need to get your ex back is that you see them feeling the kind of peace, connection and happiness with someone that you wish you had in your own life?
Instead of invading your ex’s happy relationship space and causing damage to the happiness they are feeling, why not instead take your ex’s happiness as the inspiration for you to go out there and find the same kind of happiness for yourself. This is the perfect time to work on yourself so you can find the same kind of true soul connection that your ex has found.
So, to all of you space invading ex’s, I hope this open letter has opened your eyes to what kind of impact your space invading is really having on your ex and their relationship. If you are someone who still has feelings for an ex who has moved on and found a truly happy relationship with someone else, then it’s time you let them move on and be happy.
It’s time that the only space invading you do from here on out is with a joystick and on a vintage arcade game. Stop pining over an ex who is not the right person for you … and stop torturing that ex you claim to love so much!
Start working on yourself so you can cultivate a wonderful relationship for you with someone with whom you share a true and deep heart and soul connection. Maybe once you find them, the four of you can meet up at an arcade for a friendly game of Space Invaders…