Cheating has never been on my radar before, but my boyfriend has become pals with another woman. I’m not the jealous type, but there’s... continue reading
Cheating has never been on my radar before, but my boyfriend has become pals with another woman. I’m not the jealous type, but there’s clearly an attraction between the two of them. My boyfriend is careful not to cross the line, but I’m not so sure about his new friend. I don’t trust her, or her motives. Help!
What She Said
It’s great that your boyfriend is respecting the boundaries of your relationship – nothing could be more important in this situation. Him taking your feelings about the temptation for cheating into consideration is a key ingredient in navigating this scenario.
Taking Stock Of The Situation
I could get into the particulars: Have you met her? How do you know there’s a shared attraction? Why does he feel the need to be friends with her? That may take all day, so I’ll keep it brief. A lot of women in your situation often choose to befriend the new pal in your partner’s life. Familiarity with each other can diffuse the tension. She might be less likely to make the moves on your boyfriend if she becomes your friend as well. She’ll also see firsthand how much love exists between you and your honey, which should serve as enough notice that she should look elsewhere.
Should You Be Friends With His New Friend?
On the other hand, is it really necessary to invite this person into your life? If they’re coworkers, there’s no way around their connection. If they randomly met somewhere, it might be time to intercede. I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but an honest talk with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling is in order. You do have the right to ask him to let go of his friendship with this girl, though it’s his decision as to what he’ll ultimately choose.
It’s natural, and healthy, to have a variety of friendships outside the relationship. However, the intimacy of shared experiences and communication is a privilege that exits between you and your boyfriend. Trust him and enjoy your connection. Your confidence in yourself is attractive and will serve you well, no matter what may come.
What He Said
I think the main question for me in this situation is – has he done anything to make you suspicious of him cheating or having an affair? If yes, then sure, you are justified in your concern. If he hasn’t done anything to cause alarm, then you really need to ask yourself why you are feeling this way. It could just be mindless paranoia on your part.
Is this a pattern for you? Have you felt this way before? Were you screwed over or cheated on in the past? If so, that could simply be your defense mechanisms firing off so as to protect you from potentially going through that hell again.
Digging A Little Deeper
Here’s the thing about defense mechanisms like this one. They are perfectly valid and serve a valuable purpose – they keep you from getting hurt by someone cheating on you again. But the downside is by pushing away the bad you are also shutting yourself off from the good. Life is risk and if you want to find true love again, you have to accept the fact that you are opening yourself to getting hurt again.
Then again, this may not apply to you. You may in fact be in a relationship with a cheating bastard. Where there is smoke, often there is fire. If that’s the case, then well, it’s a whole other ball game, isn’t it? Only you can prevent forest fires and only you can tell if your man isn’t flying right.
If there’s infidelity, of course you should end it. But you can’t just end it without proof. So go get it, assuming it’s there. The thing about this is you are betting the farm on something and I’m not sure you can win in this scenario. Either you find evidence that he is cheating and you are heartbroken or you go snooping for the cheating evidence that isn’t there and you look like an idiot and your boyfriend might end up leaving you.