A young woman with the pen name “Lulu Taylor” has written a novel about the love triangle between a mama’s boy, his lover, and his mother. It is called “Stop the Mama’s Boys” and is a response to the number of grown men who live at home with their mothers out of financial necessity but who also have what she calls an “unnatural” relationship with their mothers. She makes a good point. She says, “Nature did not intend for a boy to remain a boy. And, if you have a man still living at home or in a position where his mama is still making decisions for him … well … that’s a problem. Do women want to marry boys or men?”
When Moms Interfere
Lulu has witnessed mothers who dramatically interfere in the romantic lives of their sons, not totally unlike the mothers on the reality series, “Momma’s Boys.” As a relationship coach who specializes in the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I have a more hopeful outlook, I think, on the phenomenon. I also see a wider variety of mama’s boys than Lulu does. As a single young woman, she comes from a part of society that is dealing with the phenomenon in the dating phase of relationships with interfering moms getting the upper hand. I see it more in established marriages and partnerships where it has very little to do with an interfering mom and a lot to do with the dynamics between husband and wife.
Whereas Lulu’s perspective has her naming the sins of the mothers, I assert that mama’s boys are not created by mothers alone. It has as much, perhaps more, to do with the physical, mental, and emotional absence of fathers.
Fathers Play An Important Role Too
When as a teenager a boy doesn’t move from the sphere of influence of his mother to the sphere of influence of his father (where the father can pass on to the son generations of masculine potency), it is because the invitation was not delivered by the father. Moving into his father’s masculine sphere is an invitation only a man can extend. Mothers cannot. They do not have the masculine potency to give to their sons.
Furthermore, the young man’s choice to remain his mother’s son is born of love and loyalty to an entire family system. It isn’t born of his mother alone. Chances are she is a daddy’s girl whose parents are a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl. Chances are his father is a mama’s boy whose parents are also a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl. The loyalty to be like the rest of the family runs deep. If mom was abandoned by her husband and/or father or mother, then the mama’s boy feels chivalrous in his efforts to take care of her by remaining her boy.
Yes, there has been an explosion of mama’s boys in the last several generations. But for every mama’s boy there is a daddy’s girl ready and willing to take care of him. The problem is that the dynamics between the young lovers set the woman up to compete with his mother and they set the man up to compete with her dad.
What To Do If You’re The Lover Of A Mama’s Boy
The couple, if they are willing to be self-disciplined about it, can take care of this together by reminding themselves they are neither each other’s parents, nor are they each other’s children, refusing to step into those roles even as each of them attempts to seduce the other to step into the roles!
They do not have to go to war with the mother. They can gently and steadily release her by looking to themselves 1) as the creators of their own reality, 2) as the containers of their respective masculine and feminine energies, 3) by looking to each other as two equal adults in love, and 4) getting assistance whenever necessary with each of those three things!
I was fascinated by the fact that at Lulu’s site, www.stopthemamasboys.com, she offers her book in a plain black cover so that you can read it at your leisure wherever you like without being embarrassed or given a hard time for it. This is a sensitive issue. I remember, particularly when I was single, resenting people feeling they could comment on what I was reading (or what book I was purchasing) – such an invasion of privacy! I had the same the dilemma when my husband and I published our self-help book for mama’s boys and daddy’s girls! We took those words out of the title all together and expressed the dynamics instead. It’s called “Getting Back to Love: When the Pushing and Pulling Threaten to Tear You Apart.” We too wanted people to feel comfortable buying our book and reading it in public without being harassed!
As I’ve said before when it comes to mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, men taking care of the women and children in their lives and women getting things done in the world is good stuff and nothing to be ashamed of! The dynamics can cause tension in a marriage that can lead to divorce. But, as I hope I’ve shown in this article, there is hope for restoring the marriage to a yummy, passionate, satisfying place that can last a lifetime!