Have you ever called someone else or been called a “stalker?” Using the term or having it used on you is a frustrated or mean way to say, “I’m sorry but I don’t love you and I need you to understand this and give me my space!”
Sometimes calling someone a “stalker” comes after several failed attempts at communicating the disparity in feelings. Other times, used early on in that person’s affection, it is meant to belittle and humiliate.
One of the problems inherent when a person is actually stalked is the stalker invades that person’s personal space: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually. The stalker is in the person’s life without invitation and without permission.
Similarly, when a person has someone in her life that has fallen in love with her and is desperate to be seen by her, this potential lover’s attention can feel needy, clingy, and invasive because he is requesting admittance at a deep level without invitation or permission.
Imbalance In Relationships
Within an established relationship, if one member of the couple is usually needier or more clinging, resentment can start to build for both of them. For instance, if I am going through a period of insecurity and fear and I pull on my husband for reassurance repeatedly,
I resent my weakness as well as the extra power he has as the more secure one. If I am so needy that he never has the opportunity to relax much less share his own insecurities here and there, he can resent having to be the strong one.
An imbalance of need or desire can suck the life right out of either an established, potential, or even non-existent relationship! How do you turn the tide when you find you are the needy one and what can you do to help yourself and the relationship if you are the stronger one?
Balancing the Imbalance
The short answer to both sides is self-love! At those times in life when you find yourself the needier, more insecure one, self-love is an incredible cure. If you have found yourself in the needy position for what seems like most of your life, self-love is crucial!
By nurturing yourself, giving yourself your own unconditional high regard, thereby valuing who you are from the core of your being to the tips of your fingers, souls of your feet, and top of your head, you give yourself a sense of security from within that no one else can give you. Furthermore, no one else can take it away.
Self-Love is the Answer
If you are in the position of having someone need you in a dysfunctional way, your own self-love can be the answer there too. Your self-love will be the answer when you know that you are responsible for everything that shows up in your life.
If someone is in your life pulling on you and making life uncomfortable, or even unsafe, taking the stand that you attracted this to you, even if you do not know why, can make a difference in 1) how quickly the situation resolves itself and 2) whether or not you create the same situation again.
Why Doesn’t Matter
You do not have to know why you “created” this situation. It may be you do not even have to do anything with or about the other person. If you are willing to take responsibility and say to yourself, “I created this. I do not want this situation in my life. I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction!” and really own those words, then the situation will either resolve itself or you will find opportunities to resolve it appearing.
Accepting that kind of responsibility takes courage, inner security, and love – love of self and love of other. There are needs and desires in our lives where once met add to our lives. Lovers’ bodies and souls longing for each other, needing each other’s touch, and desiring sexual expression is life giving!
The Danger of Allowing it to Continue
However, allowing someone to need or desire you with a desperation that strangles and threatens to snuff out life isn’t an act of love. It is rather supporting of dysfunction that, if allowed to continue for too long, can wreck a relationship or even a life.
Unconditional positive regard of both the other and the self demands the tough love that says, “I created this…I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction.”
If you ever find yourself calling someone who has taken an interest in you a “stalker,” stop and give it some thought. Perhaps you are being too callous with someone who chooses to risk this level of vulnerability because he or she finds you irresistible.
If they are legitimately annoying, take your attention off the other person and put it on yourself. Take responsibility and love yourself enough to release whatever it is in you that created this situation. Give taking that level of responsibility a try and see what happens.
The next time you find yourself needful in a way that you suspect is hurtful, take some time for yourself and love you. Sit in front of a mirror and say, “I love you,” like you mean it! Play music and light candles.
Make it a sacred time to give yourself your own, genuine unconditional positive regard. The more you do it, the more your inner security will rise to the surface to guide and protect you!
You are worthy of love that helps you live a better life. You can begin getting that kind of love by giving it to yourself.