As women, saying the word “NO” is something we dread and fear, because we convince ourselves that not “going with the flow” will lead to rejection, or even cause people not to like us. The truth is, however, that learning to say “no” can be the very thing that opens up doors and allows us a clear path to our true desires. “No” can be a powerful word that can help you avoid situations that lead to emotional distress and suffering. It’s easy to feel when your body is contracting and telling you “NO;” nonetheless we often ignore this feeling and proceed anyway, and this is where the problem lies.
“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?” – Evans
I think the real question is, what makes you think that winning her back is the course of action you should be pursuing? “I don’t want a boyfriend or commitment” sounds to me like she’s made it pretty clear to you. Remember that love is not a contest to be won! If you’d like to learn and grow from this experience, try sitting down with her and talking about what it was that, from her perspective, caused the downfall of the relationship. Then you can take that information and use it to better yourself for your next relationship – with someone who actually wants one.
“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?” – Brandon
There are nearly seven billion people on this planet, and out of all of them, she chose to be with YOU. There, doesn’t that make you feel great? How much more does she have to prove? Love is not about jumping through hoops or passing tests; if you look at the situation from a more positive angle, you’ll see that she is committed to the relationship, and that you’ve simply been looking for ways to disprove that.
Healing From An Affair
“My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3 times a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2½ yr affair and have no feelings for her?” – Melissa
Monogamy and trust are two major components that make us feel safe and respected within the boundaries of a relationship. When even one of those components gets damaged or destroyed, it often takes the other one with it, and then you’re left wondering how you can anchor yourself and start rebuilding. When a relationship falls apart in such a devastating way, you have to be stern and direct with the questions you ask – not to him, but to yourself. What exactly would the situation have to be in order for trust to be there again? What would it take for you to be able to trust your husband again – both in terms of monogamy and in terms of knowing that he’s not lying? Also, it can be helpful to ask yourself what your own role is in all this.