” It’s me or the baby!”
Believe it or not, many women are faced with the need to choose between a man or a baby, and it’s a tough decision.
It involves weighing all the possible outcomes of each scenario as well as moral beliefs and what you actually want.
If you find yourself in this situation, the decision is one that only you can make for yourself.
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
Hi, I am 26 and my partner is 46. We have been together on and off for 3 years. I am only his second relationship and he says he has steered clear from relationships because he didn’t want children.
He does not like them and despises the fact he would be financially responsible for the next 18 years. I have a 5 year old son and he gets on great with him so I cannot understand why he doesn’t want his own.
This has always been okay until I find out I am 6 weeks pregnant. He wants me to choose between him and the baby and said I can’t have both. I want this child. Do you think a man will change his mind once his child is here? Surely he will have some kind of feeling won’t he? Or am I faced with being a single parent?
- Emma, United Kingdom
A Very Difficult Choice
It’s a tough situation to be in, but some women find themselves facing the choice between a man or a baby. Whether it is because the man in the relationship does not want a child or for other reasons, it is an extremely difficult choice to make. The choice made in this type of situation is one that changes many lives and often forever.
It’s not a choice with a temporary consequence. If you’re in a situation like this, it is important to take a time out (as long as you need) to really think about what could possibly happen in each scenario. It’s even more important to weigh all the factors.
Whose lives does this choice affect? What would happen if you chose your man? What would happen if you chose your baby? It might help to make a list. One that you can look at and add to from time to time as you think about what your options are.
Option one…choosing your man
If you choose your man, will you have to have an abortion? Will you need to give the baby up for adoption? How would that make you feel? How does that align with your religious or moral beliefs? How do you think that would make your man feel after the fact?
These are all important things to consider when you’re thinking about what would happen if you chose your man over the baby. One of the most critical things to think about, however, is how your relationship will fare weeks, months and even years after the fact.
Is it likely that you will harbor resentment towards your man for “making you” choose him over the baby? If that seems possible, a deep seated resentment may lead to the ending of the relationship later on in life. How would that make you feel if you chose your man over your baby and then ended up losing the relationship? You need to be prepared to accept any outcome if you choose this scenario.
Option two…choosing your baby
If you choose your baby, what will happen to your man? Will you stay together until the baby is born or will you end it now? Do you think that he will change his mind and feel connected to the baby once it is born?
If he has been clear about not wanting to have children since the beginning of the relationship, that’s not likely to happen and you need to be prepared for that. Be prepared to be a single parent. Do you think you can handle taking care of a child on your own? Would you go to court to get child support?
It’s YOUR decision
Remember, you are the only one who can make this decision. Don’t let friends, family or even your man influence you. It’s your life and your baby’s life. Use your head and your gut instinct to guide you to what you should do.
Either way, it won’t be easy. It won’t be easy to leave a man that you loved, nor will it be easy to give up your baby. If you sit down and really think about the situation and don’t rush the decision, you can gather strength from the fact that you really did choose what was best for you.