Many men find themselves frustrated with dating and understanding women…
This is compounded if he doesn’t want to have children because many men assume that ALL women want to have children. It even seems that many women use the topic of ‘kids’ in the early stages of the relationship to test how serious a man is about their relationship.
So if you’re a man, who does not want children, how are you supposed to have any chance at a long term relationship? As soon as you say “I don’t want children”, the friction begins and the relationship ends soon there after.
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
I often find myself in the situation that I have eventually met a girl who is emotionally available for a long-term loving relationship, which is exactly what I’m looking for, when she brings up the topic “marriage and kids” in the early stages of the relationship.
What I want is someone to share my life with but know very clearly that I do NOT want to have children. I appreciate that most women have a natural calling to give birth sooner or later in life and can’t argue with that. As a friend once put it: “You can’t deprive a woman of having children”.
It often feels as if the topic “kids” is used by women to check if a guy is really interested in a serious relationship. As I do not lie about important things like that, the whole issue becomes an obstacle at a very early point and the relationship never really develops.
My question is: What is the best way for me to approach this problem? Do I just have to accept that it is not a good idea, at all, to start a LT relationship with a girl, because she might, at some point, want to have children?
Thanks for all your useful advice! Always good to visit your website.
Should You Avoid Long Term Relationships All Together?
If you’re still young, say less than 30, you may actually change your mind as you get older. So saying very adamantly, that you never, ever, want kids is not only harsh, but possibly untrue. How can you possibly know how you’ll feel in the next 5-10 years? You can’t!
If you are however, absolutely certain that you never, ever, want kids, then what is the best way to approach this problem with your new girlfriend?
Absolutes are never a good idea, not in life, and especially not in relationships. Rather than telling her “Never ever, no way in hell!”, try a more subtle and less offensive approach, like “At this point in my life I don’t believe that I want children”. Don’t lead her to believe that you’ll change your mind, but there’s no need to be so FIRM either.
After all, the only thing you can possibly know for sure is that you don’t want kids NOW, and you don’t want kids in the near future.
Do ALL Women Really Want Children?
You see, it’s not that all women ‘want’ children, but society teaches them form day one that they ‘should’ want children and there must be something wrong with them if they don’t. Hopefully that’s changing as we mature and evolve as a society…
There is a very good chance that you will meet a woman who also does not want children. There are fewer women who feel this way, but they are definitely out there. A woman typically doesn’t make this decision until she’s a little older and these women tend to be the more driven and career minded. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her decision, and she’d be thrilled to know that she’s not the only person in the world who doesn’t want children.
There are also many women who, for one reason or another, are unable to have children. I’m not talking about the adoption crazed mommy wanna-be’s, but the women who have come to terms with their situation and are actually OK with it.
One other point that is important to remember is…not to get so stuck on the ‘long term’. Enjoy what you have today. It’s OK to share a few years with someone and then go your separate ways. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed if you don’t spend the rest of your lives together. As long as you both enjoy it, the time will never be wasted.
Live your life for this moment. The past is already gone and the future is only a dream. This moment is really the only thing that is certain.