Dear Dan and Jennifer,
I have read a lot on the law of attraction (including your article on writing down the description of your perfect mate – which I did), but I have one question I cannot find the answer to and I’m hoping you can help me. I’ve been dating a man on and off for 5 years and while we love each other and have fun together, we have A LOT of differences. My question is this, “How do you know the difference between when you need to compromise, when you need to use the law of attraction to attract more of what you want from your mate and when you should find a new mate?”
I love the man I’m with, but there are just some differences that I don’t know what to do about. The law of attraction says focus on what you want, but what if I don’t want to put that amount of energy into this person I’m dating because deep down I’m not sure he’s the right person for me because of our differences? If I want unconditional love the law of attraction says that I need to focus on that and give that to the man in my life, but what if I’m giving it to the wrong person?
I’m 37 years old and my mate is 17 years my senior, he’s never had kids and I have two (8 & 10), he doesn’t want to move from where he lives and I want to remain close to where my kids go to school (he lives about 35-45 minutes one way from where my kids go to school), he’s retired and I’m not even close, he’s financially stable and I’m not, he requires a lot of attention and I don’t, I just quit hormone replacement therapy out of health concerns and so have lost my sex drive while his remains on high, and the list goes on. I know a lot of these things can be worked through with compromise, but how much? So many times we agree to disagree because I simply cannot see his point of view and vice-versa.
He tells me I’m kind of pushing him away with all my reading of the law of attraction because I now question everything, including whether we are right for each other. Am I the one who needs to change my thinking? Do I just need to focus on what I like about him and hope that by applying the law of attraction he will transform into the man of my dreams?
The Biggest Law of Attraction Relationship Mistake
Read this next line at least 3 times!
“You CANNOT use the Law of Attraction to change another person, how they behave, or how they feel about you or anything else.”
We get so many questions asking “How can I use the Law of Attraction to make my ex love me again?” or “How can I use the Law of Attraction to make my husband/wife show me more respect?”, etc…
Sorry to tell you this, but you can’t. Period!
The only person on this earth that you have any control over is YOU. Sure, you may think you have control because your partner temporarily agrees to act in a way that you approve of, but you should recognize that he or she can change their mind at any time and start acting in a completely different way – without your approval!
This may be hard to accept, but the sooner you do, the more smoothly all of your relationships will flow.
The Wrong Way to Use The Law of Attraction in Your Relationships
First of all… Stop trying to change your partner and accept them for who they are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to allow your partner to walk all over you and disrespect you, but at the core, accept them for who they are. If your man doesn’t like shopping all day at the mall, respect that and stop begging him to go. Find someone to go with that actually enjoys shopping. If your woman doesn’t like sports, stop dragging her to the local tavern every Sunday and look at it as a time to spend time with your friends. Ladies, you need to accept this as well.
This is where many of us get confused…
Being in a relationship does not mean that you have to like ALL of the same things and agree on EVERY topic. But for some reason, this is where the most people make mistakes with the Law of Attraction – they want to use it to “fix” their partner. It simply doesn’t work that way.
The correct way to use the Law of Attraction in your relationship is to identify the area of your relationship that you want to change, that’s not bringing you joy, that could be just a bit better. Recognize that your happiness in this area has nothing to do with your partner. You and only you are responsible for your happiness. (read that again, and again…)
Some common things that many of us would like to change are:
- Spending more intimate time with our partner
- Arguing and fighting less with our partner
- Feeling loved and appreciated
- More sex. Less sex. Better sex.
- Feeling like we have more things in common with our partner
The list goes on and on…
Once you’ve decided what you’d like to change. Imagine how that area of your relationship would be if it were perfect. How would you feel? Where would you be? What would you be doing? (Notice I did not ask you how you would change your partner.)
Once you have the feelings secure, write these feelings down in a journal or notebook. Notice that I said feelings, not all of the technical little implementation details. This is another big mistake that people make when using the Law of Attraction. Stop telling the Universe how to do it’s job! Focus on you what you want and be open to ANY avenue from which it may come.
This is a hard one for many of us, because we feel that we need to control everything or it won’t turn out like we want.
Think back for just a minute…
I’ll bet you can remember a time in your life when something did not go the way you planned and you were angry and frustrated, but then 6 months down the road… You realized that it was really for the best.
The answer may come from a completely unexpected source like your partner canceling previous plans to spend more time with you or initiating a surprise sexual encounter. It could even be something that initially seems bad like your car breaking down or your flight getting canceled so that you get to spend more time together. Rather than getting angry or suspicious, how about enjoying the change and saying “Thank You!” to the Universe for getting what you want.
Now, Go back to your journal every day and read your description of this perfect feeling. Focus on it, visualize it, and know that it is already done. Focus on this ideal until you feel it in your core – and keep it there. One thing that I do is to write up a one sentence affirmation that I can repeat to myself any time I start doubting my own power. A sample affirmation is something like “I am filled with joy, love, and laughter!” – that’s my favorite one when I’m feeling a little low energy. Try repeating that 10 times and not feeling at least a little better. Create your own that is specific to the thing you are trying to change in your life.
“Anything Worth While Has to be Hard” – Huh?
Have you ever heard that “Anything worth while in this life requires work and sacrifice”? I have. From my parents, my grandparents, and my friends. I even believed it for most of my life.
But I’m here to tell you now, out of experience, that it’s total BS! Life does not have to be hard in any way, shape, or form. What makes life hard is “resistance”. Resistance to change, resistance to the way things are, resistance to others, resistance to resistance!
If you just stop holding on, stop trying to control everyone and everything around you, and just accept that life is going exactly as planned and that it’s perfect just as it is, believe it or not, life will get much easier for you.
Rather than trying to control and change your life, spend that time and energy focusing on the life that you want. Don’t give your energy to a single negative thought and your life will change for the better – guaranteed.