If you find yourself in a relationship where you find yourself constantly arguing and fighting with your partner, you’re not the only one.
You’re also not alone if you genuinely love this person and want to make the relationship work.
Are you doomed to a breakup?
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
My girlfriend (ex?) and I fight all the time!! When we are not fighting we get along great! Everything will be fine, then BAM, full blow verbal warfare.
We have been on and off, because of this pattern. We are both tired of fighting, arguing, etc. WE got along so great once upon a time, we some how had a miss-fire that has never got fixed, I don’t understand.
The question, does it have to be over?
- Matt, Kansas City
Realize That No One Has To Be Right
The root of all evil is money . . . actually, it’s the ego. A person’s ego trumps all other things and it has a need to be right all the time.
This is generally what drives people to argue and fight. It starts out pretty innocently. Someone does something that the other partner doesn’t like and it hurts their feelings.
They speak out, but it soon turns into something to the effect of, “Well, I did that because you did this,” so on and so forth. It becomes about placing blame and proving who was right and who was wrong. If you begin to recognize this pattern of arguing, you can learn to move past it. It will take a joint effort, but it also takes two people to argue in the first place.
The Relationship Is Not Doomed Unless You Let It Be
Another thing you must realize is that couples argue. Married couples argue, new couples argue, old couples argue. It’s seemingly a way of life among people who have significant others.
You and your partner’s ability to move past the arguments and let them go is really what determines whether your relationship is doomed or not. You can have an argument and if you’re able to work out the issue and move past it, you’re in a better position than many people in your same situation.
The important thing is that you and your partner do work out the issue and not just put it to bed and try to ignore it, because if you do that, the issue will come up again.
Communication skills between partners are not something you get right away as soon as you start dating someone. Sadly, there’s no handbook that tells you how to communicate with this particular partner and how they’re different from everyone else you’ve dated.
That’s something you have to learn for yourself and your partner has to learn the same about you. It takes time to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively and to get your needs, wants and upsets across to them without starting an all out war.
Don’t be shy about getting help if you truly need it. Many partners who really do love each other find themselves unable to break out of the argument cycle and let it get the best of them. If you and your partner want to make it work but find yourselves unable to, don’t be afraid to get help from an unbiased third party.
A relationship counselor or even a sex therapist can help teach you the tools you need to be able to handle arguments and fights without taking it overboard. Your relationship is certainly not doomed and with a little effort, you and your partner will once again find that place where you both get along great and truly enjoy each other’s company. It won’t happen right away, but anything that is worthwhile takes a little time and hard work to get what you want.