If it seems ridiculous to ask questions like “when do you want to know that the doctor about to operate on you has been drinking?” or “Would you like to spend four years in school only to find out you had been scammed?” – why aren’t we asking the “relationship equivalents” of these questions? These questions are no more ridiculous than some of the things we do – like getting into a relationship with someone who has no tools or relationship skills! Unless you want to find out the person you want to be in a relationship/are about to have sex with is already married, has two children and is never going to leave their family.
Or the person who has just told you they never want to be without you has said the same thing to five other people, or has an STD. Or the person you just moved in with never wants to get married/have children/is completely self-centered/has never had a successful relationship/possesses no skills when it comes to relationships and is not interested in personal growth whatsoever? Exactly when do you want to find these things out?
Happily Ever After?
I have definitely been a victim of low self-esteem and a believer in Happily Ever After (that is, believing with some “luck” I would fall into the right relationship), but eventually this thinking and belief system caught up with me. My relationship patterns were clear to everyone but me; I only knew I was unhappy, had tried everything I knew to make my relationships work (the focus of my life) by being more accommodating, prettier, sexier, indifferent, hard to get, or aggressive. Eventually, out of frustration, I actually started not to care at all. After my own very spectacular awakening to the “truth” of the way things are – I got down on my knees and prayed to whatever God, anything that would listen, this prayer:
Please show me the way!
It may seemed dramatic but this is how it happened for me – and I know (from speaking with many people) that I am not alone: relationship-or lack of it, really-brought me to my knees. My heart was broken (more than once) and fragile, and I was soul-sick and lost, despite all appearances. I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do, so I surrendered and prayed. That very day my life changed dramatically, forever. It was the end of suffering as I knew it. Someone or something outside myself would never again dictate my fate or happiness.
I have never suffered since!
Having An Open Heart
I feel deeply, of course, my heart is open. And I have still encountered heartache and pain. But that is FAR different from the suffering I was experiencing. My method allows me a daily opportunity to practice being internally referenced, to reach for the tools I have over these years turned into skills that have served me well. With vigilance and passion I cling to the truth of these teachings I was given, as I know the quality of my well-being and life depends on them! Along the way I have been given the privilege and honor of sharing these profound tools and truths with you.
If you love and care about yourself, and believe every moment of your life is precious, you will not consider wasting one moment hoping to find out, some day or down the road the answer to any such critical relationship questions! And that sooner, rather than later. I am going to assume you are interested, as I have been these many years working in the personal development industry, in what it takes to create success anywhere in life.
I have come to find these key ingredients to success: Know who you are and what you want, have a solid plan, acquire the necessary tools and turn them into skills. Cultivating adequate discipline, desire and commitment is also necessary to turn your heart’s desires, the relationship of your dreams, into reality! Only you hardly, if ever, hear that! Most of us learn or observe this relationship scenario: you meet someone, you fall in love (i.e. your heart races, knees go weak, can’t stop thinking of the person) and you live happily ever after.
Well in REAL life, (as opposed to reel life) this usually amounts to disappointment, loss, pain and shutting down our hearts after we repeat this pattern a few times: Look at marriage statistics and the rise in people living single lives. Not having a plan or skills is an increasingly poor choice of a way to attract and create a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship.