Rough Sex and BDSM – Going Beyond The Occasional Spanking

Rough sex is an extremely popular but largely underground sexual fantasy. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen much, it just means people are usually afraid to talk about it.

And like with most things that are driven underground (prostitution being a great example), it’s hard to find good, safe tips and information… so you’re left to experimentation.

Rough sex is largely about mind games, dominance, and control – not just the physical

While many people think of rough sex as having mainly to do with physical aggression, when you truly get into it you’ll realize the most important aspect is generally the mental one. The mind games, the dominant and submissive relationship that quickly develops into total trust and absolute control.

Is make up sex just an excuse to have rough sex?

As amazing as it sounds, some couples actually have arguments and fights just so they have a socially acceptable excuse for what’s commonly known as make up sex (read: rough, wild, and passionate sex).

Here’s a question from a couple in Wyoming hoping to spice up their sex lives by experimenting with rough sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner and I have started to get into rough sex, but as far as we have gone with it, it’s just him pulling my hair and spanking me. I have tried to find other stuff online that we could add in, but really can’t find much. Any suggestions?

– Ellie, Wyoming

Explore your sexual fantasies together

One of the wonderful things about being a couple is that you have a friend, a partner in crime, someone to share your experiences and the joys of life with.

Talk with your partner and share your fantasies…

It’s very important to explore and discover your fantasies together with your partner… many people keep their fantasies to themselves, which is a recipe for a boring sex life.

Watch some erotic movies TOGETHER and talk about what turns each of you on

Pay attention to the feelings that surface early on, and what excites you. Even if it’s just a hint of an idea or a feeling, run with it. Hard core porn doesn’t usually do much for women, but there are plenty of erotic thrillers that should do the trick. Movies like 9 1/2 Weeks are a great example of a dominant / submissive relationship evolving. Here are some erotic movies to check out.

Safety is a very important in rough sex play

Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking through boundaries, which is why safety is so important to discuss UP FRONT.

Decide on a safe word

This is a word that actually means “stop right now, no matter what”. It can be any word you agree on, but it’s best for it to have nothing to do with “stop” or “don’t do that”. This is because in rough sex play, pushing these boundaries often includes the idea of forced sex, etc. Thus “stop” doesn’t necessarily mean much. Something like “flower”, “coffee”, or “butterfly” is much more effective. Be creative, and make sure you both remember it.

Set a few simple ground rules that will NOT be broken

Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking boundaries, so you really can’t make a lot of rules around it. But agree ahead of time if there are a few specific things you ABSOLUTELY do NOT want to do. Remember, this is all about pushing boundaries and head games, so don’t set too many rules. Just a few so that you can really let go and have fun without worrying about going to far and spoiling the moment.


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