Why Can’t I Let Go and Have An Orgasm With My Partner?

Having an orgasm doesn’t mean losing all control – it just means letting go.

Still, some women find themselves incapable of having an orgasm or stopping one that is on the way – often because of emotional baggage that keeps them from releasing their inhibitions.

Therapy can help women work through their issues and build enough self confidence to start enjoying themselves sexually with a partner they trust.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hey there, I have a question that I’m embarrassed asking. I have had a series of bad boyfriends, hurtful, hateful relationships. The times I had sex with them I never got any pleasure and I have never had an orgasm. I have read that you lost control during orgasm. I do not wish to.

I have a new boyfriend :) He is so sweet and caring, and he cares about making me happy and giving me pleasure. But I cannot bring myself to let him make me cum. I always stop him the minute it starts to feel good. I know he is hurt. What can I do to make myself orgasm? How do I stop myself from stopping? What does it feel like? I’m a little confused.

-Sarah, Canterbury, New Zealand

Why Can’t I Let Go and Have An Orgasm With My Partner?

Some women find themselves unable to orgasm – while this can unfortunately be common, less common are the women who actually stop an orgasm from happening.  Their fears of losing control overwhelm them and they are unable to have an orgasm, even if they’re already on the path to one.

Let’s examine why having an orgasm is not “losing control” but actually just “letting go.”

It’s not unreasonable to think that having an orgasm means you have to lose control – losing control and letting go are actually very similar.  What you should understand, however, is that even though you are letting go of your inhibitions to have an orgasm, you are still in control.  You are in control as long as you are a consenting adult who is having sex with a partner with whom you desire to have sex with.

With that said, inhibitions are often what stop many women from having an orgasm.  A woman who is self conscious or is overwhelmed with emotional issues will have more trouble letting go than a woman who is self confident and emotionally secure.

What if you can’t orgasm?

If you find that you are unable to have an orgasm or find yourself stopping an orgasm, you really need to sit down and think about why.  If you’re with a partner who wants to please you and you feel comfortable with them, chances are it has nothing to do with your partner.

Are you able to orgasm during masturbation?  If so, what makes you feel like you can’t orgasm with a partner?  For some women, strings of bad or abusive relationships can take their toll on the emotions and keep them from being able to let go and have an orgasm.

Can emotional issues be solely to blame for a women not being able to have an orgasm?

You bet – but you can talk to your doctor just to be on the safe side.  This isn’t necessary if you find yourself actually stopping an orgasm from happening because that’s not physiological – that’s just you.

Confront the issue

A good way to overcome this issue is to confront it.  Don’t be embarrassed about it and don’t run away from it.  It will only get worse as time goes on and may cost you relationships.  What can you do?

See a therapist.  See someone who can talk you through your emotional issues and help you confront them.  A good therapist can help you sort things out and give you the tools and resources you need – not to mention support – to overcome the inability to let yourself have an orgasm.

Above all, don’t get angry with yourself or punish yourself because you are in this sort of situation.  It’s nothing to be embarrassed about and it’s nothing to be afraid of or angry about.  Working with a therapist can help you build enough self confidence so you can truly let go of your inhibitions without losing control and be able to experience a wonderful orgasm with a partner you truly love and care about.


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