It’s Me Or The Porn! You Choose…

Men watch porn. It’s a fact of life.

Nevertheless, many women who are girlfriends and wives of men watching porn can feel hurt or neglected. She may even ask the man to stop watching porn… or else.

If you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone. But what do you do?

Do you let him do it and continue to feel hurt, or do you make him stop or leave him?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I watched your video ‘husband uses porn’ and it rang a bell with my situation.  My husband has used porn for years and despite having attended counseling and asking him to stop he continues, however, he insisted he’d stopped.  I recently went to bed for an afternoon nap and came downstairs to find him using porn (while I was in the house!!).  I walked out.  After lots of talking we have decided to patched things up but I feel so hurt and angry at him, I am really concerned that if I trust him again he will just continue lying to me.   I need him to stop and give our relationship and me the attention it needs. I need to know I can’t trust him not to lie to me again.  I just don’t know how to move on.

- Helen, England UK

Accept That Men Are Visual Creatures

The first step to dealing with a pornography issue is to realize that men are visual creatures. They often need visual stimulation to become aroused. Porn offers the perfect solution to the problem.

The only problem is, many women disapprove of porn or feel it unnecessary. It’s okay to feel hurt and neglected if you’re the wife or girlfriend of a regular porn watching guy. But you should know that your regular porn watching guy is just a regular guy! All guys watch porn.

Accept your feelings and talk to your partner so he can accept your feelings as well, but you need to know that his pension for pornography does not make him a bad person, nor is he wrong for wanting to watch it.

Pinpoint the Issue

Does your partner watch pornography when you’re away and he’s not able to have sex with you? Possibly while you’re asleep or away on business? Or does your partner watch pornography all the time, while refusing to have sex with you?

This is your key to discovering a problem, if there is one. If you and your partner have a healthy sex life and he just happens to watch porn in addition to his sex with you, that’s perfectly fine! If you find that your partner would rather watch porn than sleep with you, you may have a bigger issue on your hands that could use the expert advice of a sex therapist.

Men Lie If They Don’t Feel Safe

If you’ve asked your partner to stop watching pornography before, and he says he has but you’ve caught him later doing exactly what you asked him not to do, you’re probably feeling angry and frustrated that he lied to you. Men – and anyone really – lie because they don’t feel safe telling the truth. He may be worried that you’ll jump his case or become really angry with him if he tells you he’s continued to watch porn.

If you want your man to be honest with you, you’ve got to create an environment in which he feels safe to do so. If he tells you the truth, accept it openly, even if it’s something you disapprove of.

Find a Balance

You and your partner can work together to find a balance between watching porn and not. Accept that there will be porn, and adjust your feelings about it. That doesn’t mean that you have to completely give up how you feel though. You can ask that he reserve it for when you’re not at home, or that perhaps you have a few nights that you watch it together.

Talk openly and honestly with your partner, and you can begin to find a place where you’re both happy. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling if you need it, from an unbiased third party such as a sex therapist.


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