Q&A: Why Is My Partner Hiding Porn From Me?

The majority of men watch porn, but the majority of their partners don’t know about it. Men are very good at keeping porn and masturbation a secret – but do they have to? Your partner isn’t hiding porn from you because he’s hiding other things from you too. Here’s what to do if your partner hides his porn or denies watching it.

Question: I discovered that my partner has been looking at porn and hasn’t told me, in fact if it ever comes up he claims he doesn’t. I’ve even tried to get him to watch it with me before and he says he doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to watch it. What does this mean and should I worry that he’s hiding other things from me?

–YouTube Viewer

Secret Masturbation Is A Habit

Growing up, if a boy got his hands on a Playboy magazine, he was lucky. If he didn’t want Mom to take it away, he’d make sure it was hidden really well and if asked about masturbation, he would deny, deny, deny. A lot of men carry this habit into their relationships with women, but not because he doesn’t trust you. It’s an old habit that dies hard, and some men just don’t think anything about stashing their porn or masturbating in secret because they’ve done it for so long. A man isn’t going to come up to his partner and say, “Hey, I was looking at porn today, what do you think?” It’s just something he does by himself and always has. It doesn’t mean he’s hiding other things from you or that you can’t trust him.

Build Trust

Build trust with your partner by masturbating in front of him and sharing your fantasies with him. Be open with him sexually and make him feel comfortable being sexually open with you. Encourage him to share his fantasies with you as well. Fondle him while you fondle yourself, and trade places. Let him fondle you while he fondles himself and see what happens. Don’t criticize your partner at all sexually, because you want to help him feel that the proverbial bedroom is a safe place to be where he can be himself and not worry about criticism or judgement of any kind. He needs to know that masturbation isn’t wrong and you’re not going to shun him for doing it. He’s not twelve anymore and he doesn’t have to hide masturbation from you. It’s a normal and healthy part of being a man and you need to help him to feel that way by being open and accepting.

Lead By Example

If you want to watch porn with your partner, lead by example. Bring some porn that turns you on to the table and let him know that you’re interested in watching it together. Don’t ask him to share his own porn with you because it will only serve to make him nervous and uncomfortable thinking about you watching his porn and picking it apart. Get some porn that can specifically be “couples porn” and only watch it with each other. Show him that he doesn’t need to be embarrassed about being turned on by porn and that porn can be a great way to spice up your sex life together.


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