Can We Salvage Our Sex Life If We Don’t Fit Together Physically?

It’s a fact of life. Physically, we’re all different.

We’re different shapes and sizes when it comes to our chests, butts and legs, so why wouldn’t it be true with our genitals?

Well, it is true.  Everyone’s penis and vagina is shaped differently from someone else’s, so it’s entirely possible to get a mismatch in shape and size.

What can you do if you feel like you’re physically and sexually incompatible with your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m married and had an affair. Okay, I’m not perfect. It’s been over for a while now.  But this isn’t about that.

I’ve found over the last couple of years that the shape of my wife’s vagina isn’t — I don’t know — right for me.  I have a very hard time climaxing with her.  I am reasonably certain that it isn’t something about me, because I haven’t had the same problem with other women.

Is there something we can do, or am I doomed to a lackluster sex life?

- Brian, Oregon

Explore other avenues

Make sure you’re not judging your mismatch in shape and size solely on one or two sexual positions.

Grab a copy of the Kama Sutra and give a few other angles a try. You might be having trouble “clicking” with your partner in one position, but from a different angle or in a different position, you two might fit together like Legos.

Even if all the possible positions and angles have been exhausted and you’re still not getting anywhere, try a few other sexual techniques before you give up all together.  You can certainly try oral sex or anal sex, or try using toys, lubricants and other sexual enhancers.

The idea is to try more than one way to have sex with your partner so if it still isn’t working, you can truly say that you did try and that you know it’s not.

What if it really isn’t working?

That’s when it comes time to really look at your relationship.  Is your relationship strong enough to withstand a lukewarm sex life?  Do you love your partner enough to want to be with them and share your life with them even in spite of problems in the bedroom and incompatibly shaped genitals?  If so, then relax.

Enjoy being with your partner and living life with them. There are other ways to be intimate with your partner and feel close to them outside of the bedroom.  Depending on the strength of your partnership and your trust in each other, you could consider having an open relationship.  If you do so, just remember to be safe and smart about it.

Although it may seem harsh, if you really take a look at your relationship and find that without a great sex life there isn’t really anything else there, it might be time to move on.  This won’t be easy, especially if you care a lot about your partner.  But you have to be honest with yourself. If it’s not working, admit it.  You’ll feel better about this decision if you know you really did try to make it work.

No matter how this situation ends, one thing is for sure. You need to be honest with your partner about what is going on.  It’s not fair to keep them in the dark about something that is rocking the boat or could potentially end the relationship.  Share with your partner how you’re feeling sexually, and how you feel like there is a mismatch in the mechanics.  Do they feel the same way?

Let your partner in when you’re trying new and exciting things in the bedroom and if it’s really, truly not working, it’s important that you are honest with your partner about that as well.  Discuss the possibility of an open relationship or the possibility of ending the relationship.  Perhaps you can both come to an agreement or compromise that works well for you and your partner.


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