eXtreme Sex Ed: Help! I Feel Like A Spectator During Sex!

If you’re new at sex or are just new to your partner, it might be difficult for you to get “into” your partner.

Things might seem awkward at first and it can be frustration to experience sexual intimacy with your partner without being really “into” it. How can you get more into your partner and more into sex with them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I want to tell my bf what I like in bed, but I don’t know how, because I don’t masturbate? (That’s right! – remember from before Scarlett is a pastor’s kid…) I feel like a spectator during sex. I find it hard to relax and I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm. Please help.

–Scarlett, NJ

Finding Out What You Want

For you to get “into” sex, it’s important for you to experiment with what turns you on. If you don’t know what turns you on and what gets you excited, it’s hard not to feel like a spectator when you’re actually doing the deed. How do you do that? One of the greatest ways to experiment with what you like is to masturbate.

Use your hands, a detachable shower head or even toys to find out what feels the best. You can masturbate with your partner if you prefer, or you can masturbate alone to really try new things and find out what really gets you going.

It’s difficult to get into sex and share with your partner what you like without first knowing yourself.

Get Into The Game

One of the best ways to find out what you like during sex and really get into it is to just dive in and do it! Spend time experimenting with different techniques, including genital massage, oral sex and sexual intercourse.

You might like simultaneous oral sex or you might really enjoy your partner using their hands on you.

You’ll never know though if you don’t try! Have sex with your partner and make mental notes of what you don’t like and what you really don’t want to try again. Next time, try something new.

Continue to do this until you find a few things that you really enjoy doing with your partner. Make a mental note of these and when you’re feeling turned on, you and your partner can use these things to get you really excited and into it.

Make sure both partners get equal satisfaction. It’s easy for a woman to feel like a spectator during sex if the focus is on the man. Share each other equally and take turns pleasuring each other until you build up to an amazing climax!

Talk With Your Partner

While you want to be careful about how you approach this subject, it’s important to talk with your partner and be open and honest with them about what you like and don’t like.

Don’t criticize your partner for moves that you don’t like, instead suggest new ones that you’d like to try.

If you close the lines of communication and never let your partner know what feels good and what doesn’t, you’ll never be “into” your partner or even “into” sex with them.

Use Trial and Error

Similarly, your partner can share with you what they like so together you can experiment with what works and forget about what doesn’t.

With a little trial and error, you and your partner will learn what you like and what you don’t like, making it easier for you to have successful intimate encounters. Take it slow if you need to and stay open and honest with your partner. Don’t get discouraged and keep trying. You’ll never find out what turns you on and gets you into it if you don’t try!


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