A while back I sat with a beautiful older woman who had been struggling with depression for most of her life. She and her husband have been married close to 40 years, and their relationship has become distant, though they still report to love each other.
I was shocked to learn that in 40 years she had never experienced a climax with her husband. She didn’t even know what it was until her body did it spontaneously during a dream.
My grandmother was 65 before she had ever experienced one either. She had been married to my grandfather for 50 years. After he died a man she had known in high school contacted her and eventually they married. Only then, at 65 did she discover what sex was all about. That was 20 years ago.
I foolishly have thought that women today are not in that same boat; that with all the sexual education there is out there today, women couldn’t possibly not know about climaxing. Obviously, I was wrong. As I sat looking at my client who had opened up about this for the first time in her life I realized that there must be other women out there like her. I am sure she is not the only one.
It would be easy to blame the husbands for not being sensitive to their wives needs, but that would be wrong. The reality is that these men know as little about sex as their wives. I cannot imagine that men who love their wives would knowingly not want their wives to enjoy their sexual relationship. But they are obviously unaware of what is happening with their wives and have never really enjoyed true physical intimacy with their partner. How terribly sad this is for both partners.
Society teaches men that they are supposed to somehow innately know how to please their wives, and that if they don’t, they are not real men. How many men out there don’t even know that they don’t know? Men, believing that they should know, are forced to act as if they know. Women without any awareness of sexuality or their own bodies don’t know what or how to tell their man any different.
Talking about sex, whether you are a man or a woman is touchy. How do you tell your husband, “Honey I love you but the sex is terrible.”
How do you tell your wife, “I don’t know if I am pleasing you.”
Both situations leave us feeling inadequate and fearful. But if we don’t find a way to breach the subject we run the risk of living 40 or 50 years without the joy of true sexual intimacy.
If you are a husband and haven’t talked with your wife about her sexual satisfaction, you are limiting not only her joy, but also yours. Having a sexually satisfied wife will make your life better; trust me. Her overall sense of well being will increase, her satisfaction with you as a mate will increase, her mood will be more stable and she will be more attentive to your needs. No matter how anxious you are about it, just asking will help her know that you love her and care for her.
Likewise women, ask your husband about how you can make love in a way that is more pleasing to him, and this will open the door to talking about what he can do to make lovemaking more fun for you. Then, take a breath and tell him what feels good to you. Our bodies were designed to give us pleasure and the act of making love is designed increase our sense of intimacy with our partners.
One important caveat: Start this discussion during a quiet afternoon or morning with your partner outside of the bedroom. Bring it up when you are not in the process or about to be in the process of making love. That time is too sacred, too fueled with insecurities and vulnerabilities to be optimum.
When we can allow ourselves to take the risk of asking for what we want, we have the potential for having not only a more satisfying sexual relationship, but a deeper intimate connection with our loved one.