We Don’t Have Hot Sex Anymore. Can We Get It Back?

My boyfriend and I are better friends than lovers. I’m crazy about him and don’t want to break up, but I miss hot sex. Help!

She Said:

First off, let me say that what you’re going through is totally normal. Passion cools in most relationships over time, so it’s important to be best friends when all is said and done. The good news is that you’re in a great position, if you can excuse the pun. The ‘bad news’ is that there is some work to be done – but it’s fun work, so don’t worry!

When You Don’t Want To Break Up

Think about what you’ve said – you’re crazy about your boyfriend. That is wonderful news! It means there’s still groundwork to build off of for the sizzle to return to your sex life. You don’t want to break up, which means there’s enough left to make you want to stay with him. There’s life in this thing yet!
Here’s your homework assignment: First off, think about what attracted you to your boyfriend in the first place. Now think about that when you’re having sex.

Remembering all the wonderful things that drew you to your honey in the first place are still there, so start appreciating those qualities again.

Bring Hot Sex Back Into The Relationship

There’s no penalty for using your imagination! What gets you hot, nowadays? Is there a movie star you like to fantasize about? Perhaps erotic fiction helps get you going? Use these things to your advantage. Most women need to be both emotionally and mentally stimulated to get really excited. Find the things that bring you to this place; then bring your boyfriend to the bedroom. When you’re feeling ultra-turned on, you naturally have better sex.

Be creative – that goes for both you AND your partner. All the work isn’t just on your shoulders. That said if you really feel that your relationship has moved to a purely platonic level, you owe to yourself and your partner to move on. Sexual pleasure is important to every aspect of health and happiness – and you both deserve to have the very best for yourselves.

He Said:

It happens. Relationships ebb and they flow. So does attraction. The most important thing is that you’re still crazy about each other. Everything else can be worked out.

First thing is to identify anything going on in your life that could be getting in the way of the two of you getting it on like teenagers on Viagra. If you just started a business together and you have a kid(s), and you are having trouble making ends meet, etc it is not conducive to getting it on. Identify and eradicate as many of these things as you can, and make your peace with the rest. Obviously, you can’t eradicate your kids (unless you live in Texas), but you can hire a babysitter and get your butts to a hotel.

A Vacation Can Reboot Hot Sex

Personally, I highly recommend a vacation of any kind to reclaim the booty making magic. (Say that five times fast!) Avoid going anywhere you’ve been in the past. You don’t want to bring up old memories if they are bad or expectations if you went there and the sex was amazing. For my money, I highly recommend one of those “hedonistic, clothing optional” resorts. Nothing will help you shed your inhibitions like shedding your clothes and letting it all hang out in the sun.  (Remember the sun block!) These resorts are adults only, anything goes and no questions asked.

Vacation sex is always the best because you are literally away from all your problems. They are back home. You didn’t bring your job or your in laws with you, right? No, of course not.  You’ll be going at it like bunnies. And you’re welcome (just remember that no man is ever as potent or as virile as when he’s on vacation, so plan accordingly!)

Exercising Together Can Help You Have Better Sex

I also recommend working out, ideally together. Nothing makes you wanna get naked more than if you actually look great naked. Working out boosts endorphins, hormones, etc. You’ll be all hot and sweaty and that means you need to shower. You two look great from consistently doing yoga, crossfit, or whatever you choose (I highly recommend the first two), and then BAM! You’re going at it.  It’s that simple.

Above all, take the pressure off yourself. Sex shouldn’t feel like something you “have to do” but that you “get to do.” You should feel like a kid on Christmas (yes, I ruined another holiday for you.) To that end, I suggest, researching tantric sex (Steve P has an amazing White Tiger Tantra video series), getting couples tantric massages, or just getting regular (no happy ending) rub downs anywhere you can.

Be patient and soon you’ll be going at it!


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