Economy cutting into your sex toy budget? Looking to save a few bucks by making your own. Don’t. We have some great “don’t try this at home” information for you.
Here’s What She Said About Homemade Sex Toys
Let me begin this with WTF? Why would you even want to try a homemade sex toy? It’s not like sex toys are expensive. Nor are they hard to come by. Every drugstore sells them under the veil of being a “personal massager” and if you really want to be discreet, you can order one online and it will arrive in a discreet package!
If you are thinking of using a homemade sex toy, then proceed with caution. And if you must, make sure you do not try any of the ones that i mention below.
Sure it looks all innocent and hard and safe to jam up in your private places but this candle stick is made of wax!
Wax may begin in the sold state but does not stay that way. Waxing your bikini line is one thing, waxing the inside of your vagina is another! And if you even think bout having it lit, you deserve the pain that will come to you.
Cucumbers, Yams, And Carrots
If it goes in a salad, it should not go in your vagina or your anus! Ever!
You are just asking for a carrot to break off in your mans butt or get a cucumber piece in your vagina. The vagina and anus are not crispers, that food will rot and that is not sexy. Plus, you don’t know where that vegetable has been! And if you have sex with it, what the hell are you going to make for dinner?
Grapefruit, Orange, And Mango
Sure this fruit taste so sweet and feels so good on your tongue, but do not poke a hole in it and then stick your penis inside it!
I have heard stories of guys cutting a hole in grapefruit, heating it up in the microwave and then just going to town. While going to town, they also can burn their junk! Even if they don’t heat up the fruit, there is still the possibility of getting citrus juice in a hole where no juice should go – ouch!
Small Animals In Nylons
We all remember that urban legend about Richard Geer having to go to the ER because he had a had a gerbil stuck up his rear. If you haven’t heard of it, Google it, it’s funny. Regardless do not use family pets as a sex toy ever. Its dangerous and illegal, and just poor form all the way around.
The idea of using a napkin ring as a cock ring during sex is incredible funny and also makes me think twice about the
table setting for Thanksgiving dinner. A napkin ring is not a good choice for a sex toy. Sure those bright colors or steel plates look sexy, but it is a hard ring,a hard ring that when put on an engorged penis might not come off until that penis gets soft.
We only recommend stretchy cock rings, just in case you need to get it off in a pinch.
Sure it vibrates and might feel a little too good between your legs when you are getting a phone call but do not stick your phone up any of your orifices for any reason! This is also super dangerous and lets face it, what if your mother calls you? That’s just awkward.
There you go, a handful of homemade sex toys that should never be used. Seriously, just nut up and buy the real deal. There are so many sex toys that can be bought online or at your local sex store or pharmacy. Remember ordering a discreet package is a lot safer then using something at home.
Sure you might not want your roommate or mailman know you like big black dildos, but its better than having to go to
the ER because you got a hamster stuck up your rectum or the OB Gyn for that weird bacterial infection that you got from your cucumber.
Here’s What He Said About Homemade Sex Toys
There’s really no such thing as a good homemade sex toy, unless of course you’re a carpenter and can make your own “red room of pain” from 50 shades of grey your self.
Sex toys are mainstream. Everyone has them. You should feel good about buying whatever sex toy you want. Get them online if you want to buy discreetly OR go to a local sex shop and pay cash if you want to take it even further.
Don’t ever make your own sex toys. Yes, they do it in movies sometimes and yes it is hot – when they do it. When you do it, you go to the hospital. Don’t be that guy. Or girl. Or couple.