Met Someone New? How Long Should You Date Before It’s OK To Have Sex?

You’ve met someone new. You have a great connection and things look great. So when is it okay to have sex for the first time?

There are those who believe it’s okay to have sex on the first date. Others think the third date is the right time, but still others believe you should wait much longer. Perhaps as long until after the wedding.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How long should I date a man morally speaking before we have sex??

And so it will be a better relationship if that’s what is meant to be…

–Erica, California

The morality of sex

Morally speaking, there is no right or wrong answer to this question – which is what makes it such a great question.  People who are uncertain about what boundaries they have when making the decision to have sex with the person they’re dating might be a little surprised to learn that the only boundaries they have are the ones they set for themselves…

Some people feel that it’s perfectly fine or natural to have sex with someone on the first date, or even shortly after meeting.  Others certainly might not agree, but it is ultimately up to the couple in question.  If both parties involved feel that it’s okay and feel confident about having sex soon after the relationship begins, by all means – go for it!

Other people feel that sex is only for those who are married.  Whether it is due to strict religious beliefs or purely philosophical ones, this approach works well for many couples.  They are committed to each other before getting physical and when they finally do the deed, they feel more comfortable with each other.

Then there are those who wait until they gain their footing in a relationship and start to feel comfortable before getting sexual with their partner.  Some people abide strongly by the “three date rule” and others wait a few months, but not forever.

When is the right time to have sex?

There is no magic “time” that would make it morally right to engage in sexual activity with your partner and unless you feel otherwise, there’s no magic “time” that would make it morally wrong either.  It’s all up to you and your partner.  If you are both consenting adults, you’re free to engage in sexual activity whenever you like.

Before doing anything, however, you should take a deep look at your own religious or moral beliefs.  Do you feel it would make you uncomfortable to have sex with your partner before the one month mark?  Does your partner?  Are you completely comfortable having sex with them after only a week?  How would it make you feel if you did?  Really think about it and don’t be afraid to come to terms with how you feel about the situation.  You have the right to decide when and if you’re ready to “do it” and with who you’re ready to “do it” with.

When it comes to figuring out your own personal rules, you are free to be as strict or as lenient with yourself as you like.  Do whatever works for you.  Don’t do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable or make your partner uncomfortable.  No one should ever be pressured into having sex.  Don’t be afraid to fly by the seat of your pants either – if you’re with someone and feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with them, you’re welcome to throw any ideals you previously had out the window.  Or you can stick to your guns – it’s up to you.  Remember, the only boundaries you have are the ones you set for yourself.


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