Did Your Marriage Fail Because Marriage is a Flawed Concept or Because You Married the Wrong Person?


So… what did you LIKE about being married???

There are so many people out there who can speak on this topic.  There are many of us who have had a marriage end in divorce or separation.  It’s true, life DOES go on.. but how do those with ‘marriage experience’ under their belts now look upon the topic?  I find the question of ‘so, what did you LIKE about being married’ to hold two-part answers..

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1. What did you think about your past marriage and

2. What do you believe (now that you are armed with the expertise) about marriage moving forward?

Did You Marry The Wrong Person?

First off, if you are in the position to have freed yourself from the clutches of a marriage gone wrong you likely view the problem as being the person you chose in the first place.  For whatever reason, the common theme in most dissolutions of marriage is that the two parts simply did not mix long term.

Which, in turn leads to a million other little issues or problems that eventually drive people to the breaking point.  Now, this is not the same thing as putting 100% of the blame onto your ex-spouse.  It is ultimately saying that perhaps it wasn’t the concept of marriage as much as the wrong person to take that path with, which is the constant most of us with ‘past’ marriages, can attest to.

Or Is Marriage Just A Bad Concept All Together?

There are those who are simply jaded toward the concept of marriage all together.  That one time was enough for them.  Since they did not marry the ‘right’ person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.

They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they ‘want’ to be.  I believe, people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one.  After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?

Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new situation.  Unless, the person who holds such grief toward the concept of marriage, does not believe in the concept of commitment or monogamy in the first place.  Then it’s more the idea of marriage that turns them off and not necessarily the partner.

Serial Brides & Grooms

There are also the rebounders who feel lost without having the routine of marriage as a part of their life & may even tend to become serial marry’ers!   That is likely the kind of person who holds the fear of being alone above the fear of marrying the wrong person again.

I would hope, that with any bad experience you would learn from it and move forward feeling more knowledgeable then you were before having that experience.  I was one of those people who always believed marriage could be a wonderful experience.  Having one failed marriage under my belt now, I feel that I am wiser for it.

It has not changed my hopes for what a marriage can and should be,but it has made my future choices for a partner more well informed choices.  For example, I would no longer convince myself that settling is acceptable.  For me to commit once again to a marriage, I would have to be sure that every detail of the fine mix that makes for a happy and successful marriage was fulfilled and not just ‘hope’ that it would be.

And never again would I allow myself to ‘settle down’ because settling should not be what  marriage is about..  I’d only ever do it again if it meant a relationship that broadened my life’s spectrum.  That added to who I am, not defined who I am.

The Up Side Of Marriage

So what do I LIKE about marriage?  I love having someone special in my life that I ‘want’ to do special things for.  I love the thought of having a sexual compadre at my fingertips.  Having someone there beside me at night.  Having someone in my life that I and others recognize as being a part of what makes up my core family.

I love the idea of commitment and the desire to make a marriage something that is enjoyable, fulfilling and supportive.  I love the thought of expressing my deepest form of giving through marriage.  Showing the world that I have chosen this person and that they have chosen me.

One might argue that it would be easy to attain all of these things under the boyfriend or girlfriend umbrella without the process of an official marriage stamp.  And this is true. Marriage is certainly not for everyone.  For those who have experienced it and do not see anything that they LIKED about being married, they have the first right of refusal.

I would wonder what the hesitation would be if the person who you loved and who loved you wanted another whirl at the marriage thing. Isn’t marriage the ultimate expression of giving one’s self wholly and without doubt? No one can predict what will come of ANY relationship, married or not – just the same as no one can predict if they will get hit by a bus.

I am the type who tends to never give up on something I believe in.  My first marriage ended yes, but part of the reason for that was my continued belief that a HAPPY marriage was possible and settling was never an option.  Perhaps marriage to me is the ultimate expression of giving everything that I have to one person and hoping that the one I’ve chosen would do the same for me.  And that’s… what I LIKE about marriage.

"The Little Black Book of Sex Positions"

by Dan & Jennifer
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