The Cuddle Chemical Is Good News For Her, Bad News For Him


A secret to relationship happiness that I’m going to share with you today comes from a teleconference I was on with Dr. John Gray, the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars relationship help expert. On the call, John talked about a chemical called “oxytocin” that many relationship experts have been talking about lately. It is referred to as the “cuddle chemical” because it rises inside men and women when we cuddle, have sex, have good communication, and in general experience romance

John shared a piece of information about oxytocin that I found transformative. Science shows that whereas this cuddle chemical rising in women causes them to relax; when it rises in men, it causes them stress. Conversely, testosterone rising in men causes them to relax, while its rising in women causes us to stress out! I realized I’d seen proof of this in my own life and figured out how to use the information to increase connection between men and women.

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Here’s how you can use this information to create connection and closeness that works for both of you.

To begin with, there are other things than sex and orgasms that increase oxytocin levels. Good communication raises it. Romantic gestures raise it. Cuddling raises it. Singing in a choir raises oxytocin. But also, an activity like “feathering the nest” raises it. For instance, when we have company coming and I am focused and driven on getting the house clean and perfect, this activity raises my testosterone and stresses me out. On the other hand, when I don’t have an agenda of company coming but instead am puttering around the house, getting the same kind of cleaning done (but at my own pace in my own time), I find this activity very pleasant because it increases oxytocin.

Similarly, when men are involved in activities and problem solving, their testosterone raises and they feel great! It’s one of the reasons why men rush in with solutions when their women want to talk about problems. The release of testosterone feels good, even supporting a man’s sense of his own intuition and internal guidance that he’s spot on with delivering help. It’s one of the reasons why communication breaking down when he offers solutions is so frustrating. It’s because for both of you, the other is acting counter-intuitively, going against what you know in your gut works for you when it comes to problem solving.

How You Both Can Get What You Need

However, you can use this information to create connection and closeness in such a way that you both sometimes get exactly what you need while at other times making sure the other gets exactly what he or she needs.

If as a woman, you will sometimes participate in bonding activities with your husband that raise his testosterone level, he will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! Such activities can be attending a sports game, enjoying a round of golf or another recreational sport, or even just hanging out with him while he does his favorite hobby. If he’s fixing up the car or working in the garden and you just hang out with him, this simple activity will be a bonding agent for him. I realize that, as a woman, that doesn’t make a bit of sense to you but it does to him.

Yet Another Way Women Are More Complex Than Men

Gentlemen, there are things you can do that will raise her oxytocin, bonding her more closely to you. For instance, sometimes sit and let her talk. Let her talk it all out without trying to fix anything, she will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! One thing you can do which might appease your desire to fix the problem without making her feel dismissed is you can actively listen. That means mirror back to her what she said or what you thought you heard.

For instance, your wife’s boss is acting weird and she thinks the boss wants to accuse her of not pulling her weight. You might say something like, “I hear you saying that you feel like your boss suspects you’re not pulling your weight but won’t come right out and confront you.” She’ll either affirm or correct your perception and dive in deeper into the conversation. I realize that doesn’t even come close to your being able to provide a solution, but your wife will think you hung the moon if, every once in awhile, this is how you listen! (If you just listen and say nothing, she’ll think you’re angry or not really interested and become insecure or angry herself.)

Another thing a man can do with a woman is cuddle up to her and ask, “Give me two or three romantic ideas and I’ll either choose one or be inspired to come up with a fourth choice by this weekend.” This gets you past her wanting you to read her mind, which you can’t do anyway. And it allows you to surprise her with an afternoon or night of romance with complete confidence on your part.

I can’t help but observe it took me one paragraph to tell women what to do to be with a man in such a way that his testosterone increases, he relaxes, and he bonds with her verses the three paragraphs it took to tell men what to do to be with a woman in such a way that her oxytocin increases, she relaxes, and bonds with him. What can I say, fellows? You know we women are more complex than you. The challenge for us women is getting how easy it is to please you and bond with you and just do it!

"The Little Black Book of Sex Positions"

by Dan & Jennifer
(Now Available on Amazon!)

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