Sex can be a difficult subject to broach when you’re dating someone. Here’s how you can discuss sex with your lover without scaring her... continue reading
Sex can be a difficult subject to broach when you’re dating someone. Here’s how you can discuss sex with your lover without scaring her off!
Get Comfortable With It
For a lot of people, even in this day and age, with a media saturated in sexual imagery, sex can be incredibly uncomfortable to discuss. Even with our most intimate partners. Especially when unsatisfied, your wife may not be articulating what she wants or needs sexually, as she’s afraid of hurting your feelings.
Before you start the conversation, you need to get comfortable saying the words associated with sex – penis, vagina, clitoris, G-Spot, orgasm, lubrication and intercourse. Say them out loud, somewhere private, and just get comfortable with the sound of them in your mouth. When you can say them to yourself without blushing, you are ready to say them to the person you love.
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Take The Initiative
In order to open her up, you need to take the first step. If she feels like you are grilling her with some kind of sexual interview, she may retreat. Instead, you need to spend some time – days, maybe even weeks – communicating to her how important her sexual satisfaction and overall pleasure is for you.
When she knows that any helpful tips, comments or critiques she gives you will be accepted as a gift, she can feel as if she is giving them to you, instead of that she is burdening you with them. When she is ready to divulge information about her sexual preferences, don’t take in a list of questions and read it off like an interview. Go in having already thought about what you want to know about her, and take the time to volunteer some of the same information about yourself to encourage her when you start out.
Take care to be positive and gentle when talking about her sexual performance. Tell her what she already does that you like!
Make A Deal
No accusations, no judgments, no huffy remarks or pouty lips; it’s time to sit down and have that chat. Sexpert Tracey Cox suggests three things to remember when it comes time for open and honest communication about your sex life:
First, take the time to figure out what it is you want, and be very specific. You know that you aren’t satisfied with your sex life, and you probably figure your wife isn’t either. Do you want to know how to please her better? Do you want more sex? How much more, and what kind? Do you need to have more orgasms, or do you want to opportunity to touch her more often? Do you want to have sex more in the morning, or during the daylight hours? Are you interested in trying more new things, or is there something you know that you like, that you want to do more often?
Second, how much information do you really want from her? Do you want details of past lovers and how they touched her? Are you prepared to hear about any difficult or shocking experiences? It is important to know how many details you are willing to divulge as well. Tell her how much you are willing to hear, and let her do the same.
Finally, agree that “no” means “no more.” Whether it’s just the sexual conversation, or time to try things out, it is important to have a clear understanding that either of you can say “I’m sorry, that technique (or role play, or sex position) isn’t working” or “Hey, I need a break to collect my thoughts” if things aren’t going quite the way you anticipated.
It can be a bit overwhelming when you try to get into the details, which is why you should think about it for a while before you sit down to talk. Furthermore, you should give your wife the chance to think about it as well. When you sit down to make your deal, take the time to discuss what you really want to know about each other.