What To Do When She Won’t Talk To You About Sex


Sex tips are thought of as a road map for sex, but they are more than that. It’s about communication, and here’s what to do when your partner won’t discuss it.

When it comes to sex, communicating with your partner is absolutely essential. You’re not a mind reader – unless you’ve been with your lover for many years, you just won’t automatically know what she wants or needs in bed. Even if you have been with your partner for a substantial amount of time, it’s still a bit of a guessing game because let’s face it – you’re not a mind reader.

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You can’t know what she’s thinking about, or what she wants next or whether she wants you to move a little to the left or to the right. While some women are very up front and straight forward about what they want during sex, many women are not. This is because many women grow up believing that sex should only be pleasurable for the male partner, or that it’s “dirty” and “wrong” to derive any sort of pleasure from sex. Although this couldn’t be further from the truth, their belief systems lead them to never speaking up during lovemaking.

These women aren’t going to say, “That doesn’t feel good, here, I need you to do it like this.” They’re going to smile, act like they’re into it and possibly fake their orgasm. So because communication is so important for a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life, you may very well have to take the initiative in that department.

What Happens When You Don’t Communicate

When you and your partner don’t communicate about sex, it leads to one or both partners being unsatisfied. You’ve got to talk to each other about what you both want and need, and what you like when you’re in bed together! She won’t know what you like and you won’t know what she likes if you don’t talk about it, so you’ll both be a couple of bumbling idiots in the sack, stumbling around blindly, hoping you hit the jackpot and being disappointed when you don’t. Neither of you can expect the other to know exactly what you want and what turns you on, so you have to tell each other.

When you expect your partner to know what to do during sex and they inevitably don’t do it, you’re going to be left sexually frustrated and possibly orgasm-less. The same goes for her! If she expects you to know what to do (and you really don’t) and she doesn’t tell you, you aren’t going to give her the kind of pleasure she wants and needs.

This is going to leave her very unsatisfied and possibly resentful! The problem is, it’s partly her responsibility to communicate with her about what she likes and doesn’t like during sex. Unfortunately, for the reasons mentioned above (and many other reasons) she might not want to talk about it.

Why A Woman Might Not Want To Communicate With You About Sex

Many women don’t like to talk about sex. There are many reasons for this, and if your lover doesn’t want to communicate about intercourse, it may be more than one reason! This can leave a guy feeling confused and wondering what to do. First, take a few minutes to understand her point of view. You already know that some women grow up thinking sex is wrong and that they shouldn’t get pleasure out of sex. However, that’s not the only reason a woman might not want to discuss doing the nasty.

  • She’s never masturbated before and doesn’t know herself what feels good and what doesn’t, so she can’t very well tell you
  • She’s scared of being judged or criticized for what she likes or doesn’t like
  • She’s not confident enough in herself to assert what she wants and needs in the bedroom
  • She’s more worried about your pleasure and you getting off than she is about herself
  • She doesn’t know how to put into words what she wants (or is too shy to use the words that she will inevitably have to use when discussing this type of thing)
  • She has other emotional baggage

These aren’t all the reasons a woman might not want to talk about sex – in fact, since every woman is different and has lived different experiences, the possibilities of a woman being shy about discussing lovemaking are really endless! Take heart though, because even if your girl doesn’t take the initiative to tell you what to do or how to touch her just the right way, you can still glean the information in other ways.

Non-Verbal Communication

Women will almost always give non-verbal cues about what they like and don’t like during sex. Unless you’re having sex with a statue, you’re bound to get some kind of non-verbal feedback on what you’re doing – you just have to be paying attention. Body movements are probably you’re biggest clue here, because even some women who are shy will be too shy to be very vocal during sex. But body movements are often involuntary, so you can use these as sort of a “compass” to tell you if you’re going the right way. Here is some body language that will tell you if you’re on the right track:

  • She bucks her hips towards you and grinds her pelvis against you (either against your face during oral sex or against your penis during intercourse)
  • She begins to breathe heavy and seems as though she is concentrating
  • Her skin turns pink and flushed, particularly in her face and neck
  • Her legs begin to shake
  • Her eyes close or roll back in her head

Her body will also tell you if you’re doing something wrong, or aren’t in the right place:

  • She’ll move slightly to help position you in the right spot (if she does this, go with it! Don’t fight it thinking you’re in the right spot, because you’re not! This movement is very different from what she will do if she’s enjoying it and bucking her hips)
  • She’ll shrink away from you (this usually happens if you’re hurting her in some way – for example, if your facial hair is chafing her or rubbing too hard against her sensitive clitoris)
  • She isn’t breathing heavy and can even talk or carry on a conversation
  • She doesn’t seem as though she’s concentrating or is very into it
  • Her eyes are open and she’s looking around, possibly watching television or checking out photos on the vanity

Apart from body movements, you can use her vocalizations as a clue, although many women won’t make any noise during sex whether they’re enjoying it or not. Here are some ways to tell if she’s enjoying it by listening to what comes out of her mouth:

  •  Again, breathing heavy is a big indicator of pleasure. This may be accompanied by sharp intakes of breath or moans and groans
  • She screams your name, or says, “Oh God!” (This is almost always a winner unless it sounds totally fake)
  • She says disjointed things like, “Yes, Yes!” or “Yeah….right…uh….good…yeah….”

You can also tell if you’re totally bombing it by what she’s saying or how she sounds:

  • She’s screaming your name or other things in a way that sounds less convincing than a porn star in a low budget film
  • Her breathing and vocalizations seem to be on an even keel. For example, a regular “Mmmm” sound that doesn’t seem to be at all connected with what you’re doing or how you’re changing your techniques

Also pay attention to your instincts! As naive as you may be about a woman’s pleasure, if your gut is telling you she’s just not into it, she’s probably not!

"The Little Black Book of Sex Positions"

by Dan & Jennifer
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