Presents Or Presence?


I got an email recently after I gave a talk at a booksigning. I’d talked about being present and the importance of surrounding yourself with people who were also present. The woman explained she had been dating a man she met recently who was a successful lobbyist, but who was just as distracted. Here’s what she had to say about the rest of the story.

Being Present In Your Own Life

This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town…we’ve known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly “present” with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!

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The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating website and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile … Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his!

She followed up with another note a few days later.

Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I’m sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Thank you…

J..Alder, Nor Cal

Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. We all know the drill: tall dark and handsome, good in the sack, rich, whatever. At some point we start to realize these arent things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.

Choosing Someone Who Is Present In Their Own Lives

I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted werent essential at allor, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.

Perhaps rather than hot and successful being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent. Things like being present to their lives and yours, someone who’s kind, honest, purposeful, and so on. Create your own list! But check it twice as the holidays approach so you don’t make any mistakes. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?

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