Why You Should Stop Being the Backup Guy Before It’s Too Late


So what does it mean to be “The Backup Guy”?

The backup guy is the one she calls to go out when no one else is around. He’s the one that’s always there for her just in case she needs him. He is not however, very high on her priority list and she will cancel plans, not show up, and otherwise treat him like a lower class citizen.

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And she can get away with it because he REALLY likes HER.

So what should you do if you find yourself in this situation?

The Question

I have been asking out a woman for more than a month. She keeps saying yes, but then either has excuses or disappears. I know she was wrapping up with an ex-boyfriend and that was part of the problem. He is now out of the picture and she now says she doesn’t want to date till she’s past it. This again puts me on a back burner, where she still says she would like to go out sometime.

She says that I’m a NICE GUY, just the kind she probably needs. I told her she might not want a nice guy and she said I was wrong. In social situations, not dates because can’t get her to go on a real date, she is very flirty with everyone.

Normally I would bail out at this point, but when I do my phone rings off the hook she’s wondering why I’m ignoring her. I know she has others admirers, so what? I like her a lot and she knows it. It seems she is just trying to hang on for the comfort effect. I want to move forward or move on. Forward gets blocked. Moving on gets phone calls… Suggestions would be nice!!

The Answer

You’re absolutely right. She seems to be entertaining you so that she has a security blanket and doesn’t have to be alone.

It’s good that she wants to get past her previous relationship before dating again, but she seems a little flaky and it sounds like you’re not exactly her type, but you’re there when she is lonely.

The “Backup Guy”

To cut right to the chase – You’re the back up guy in case no one better shows up…

When I say ‘better’, I mean from her perspective… Don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you. This just doesn’t sound like a 2-way fit…

When she says that you’re the kind of guy that she probably needs. She’s really saying that you’re not the kind of guy she thinks she wants. She may be taking advantage, intentionally or not, of the fact that you do like her a lot so that she doesn’t have to deal with her break up and face being alone.

Don’t settle for someone who’s not equally crazy about you.

The chase can be a lot of fun but is has to be a two way chase. Have you ever seen two puppies chasing each other around the yard or kids playing tag? They take turns chasing and then being chased and everyone has a lot of fun in the process. That’s how a new (and seasoned) relationship should be – fun! It can however been incredibly frustrating when you’re the only one doing the chasing.

The Vacuum Law

There’s a Universal Law known as the Vacuum Law. Basically, what it tells us is that when we give up something that we don’t want, or that is not bringing us joy, it creates an empty space, or vacuum, that can then be filled with something that we do want and that will bring us joy.

Time to Move On

If I were you, I would go with my gut on this one and move on. Create a vacuum that can be filled by someone that is right for you. She’s never going to move forward and if she does, she’ll probably dump you as soon as she sees some one that she thinks she likes more. I personally feel that she needs to spend some alone time to figure out what she’s really looking for.

So how do you keep your phone from ringing off the hook?

The first thing that I would do is be honest with her and tell her that you don’t see the relationship going anywhere and that you’d like to just be friends. Make sure that she knows you’re no longer sitting around waiting for her – and stick to it!

And if that doesn’t work…

Do you have caller ID? If I were you I would screen my calls and stop answering her calls. You are under no obligation to answer your phone for anyone. It may sound harsh, but she’ll eventually get the message.

I would however try the honesty approach first.

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